June 02, 2003

Politicians are like car salesmen

I was going to type a long thing but I got bored. Here is the short version, using the last two presidents as examples:

George W. Bush would sell you a late model, bland-yet-reliable, American (or ally)-made sedan. It wouldn't be flashy, but it would get you from point a to point b, which is the car's main job. You'll drive away feeling vaguely taken in, as all car buyers do, but a year later you'll compare your repair bill with that of your Volvo-owning neighbor and decide that you came out ahead.

Bill Clinton, on the other hand, would sell you one of those fragile yet intriguingly-designed foreign roadsters. There would be no passenger seating, and the glove compartment would be bigger than the trunk. Sure, you were a family man, and had come to the dealership fully intending to buy the sturdy yet roomy SUV to serve your wife and children's cargo and ferrying needs. But Billy Jeff is the salesman here, and he feels the pain of the midlife crisis you had no idea you were suffering. And even though the engine in your new status symbol blows up two weeks later, and your wife and children leave you for your profligate ways, and you end up homeless on the street, you'll have that shining moment of utter coolness, when you drove off down Sunset Boulevard with that blond woman who said she was an actress in the passenger seat, to dine out on for the rest of your life. (Which won't be long.)

Oh, okay, here are some more politician-as-car-saleman examples:

That Kerry dude, the one with the helmet hair -- he's the one who keeps trying to get you to buy the car the dealership really wants to dump on someone (usually a repo with a cracked engine block).

John McCain sells big, loud cars and SUVs -- economy rice-burners will get you killed on the road, Mister! Or your daughter! Do you want to see your daughter in her Toyota squished by a semi on the interstate? No! Then why are you even looking at that Corolla? I've got a Ford Expedition over here that could take a hit by a tank!

Albert Gore sells bicycles. Cars are destroying Mother Gaia.

Richard Nixon sells limos in hell. You can't have one, you peon.

Dick Cheney sells ambulances.

George Bush Sr. is partial to Rolls Royces, but he was in a Chevy once. The ride wasn't bad.

Condoleeza Rice will sell you whatever she feels like selling you and by god you will sign that contract and like it. Don't mess with Condi.

Donald Rumsfeld has no time to pussyfoot around with weak-kneed, indecisive car buyers. Do you want to be able to quit riding the bus or not? Here, this car is new, the engine works -- no, I don't know how much mileage it gets! Who the hell cares! Sign the goddamn contract! Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...

Posted by Andrea Harris at June 2, 2003 12:42 AM

Please do a recap and expansion on this one for posterity!

Posted by: MommaBear at June 2, 2003 at 08:23 AM

Oh, that's good. Moreover: Al Gore would sell recumbent bikes. And helmets.

Posted by: Jack at June 2, 2003 at 09:08 AM

Which he invented.

Posted by: Dean at June 2, 2003 at 03:16 PM

Al Gore sells adult tricyles, with seat belts.

Posted by: Don at June 2, 2003 at 03:19 PM

Billy Jeff Clinton's Used Cars:

Those screw-driver marks around the odometer? Well, we was fixing it, it was broke.

That sawdust around the transmission? We're pretty sure the manufacturer suggested either sawdust or transmission fluid.

The frame, well it was already straight, we just sent it in to make it even straighter. Nothing too good for our customers. "Rollover", could you all define "rollover" for me.

And hey young lady, I'm sure we could work out a "special" payment plan if, you know, you don't have the money for the down payment.

Posted by: David Crawford at June 2, 2003 at 04:13 PM