And they wonder why women are still messed up in the head
Oooh, looky! Another list of crap that some loser thinks I should have completely ticked off by now, or else I’m just not a proper person. Let’s make fun of this list of “30 things every woman should have before she turns 30.”
1. Clothes that fit the size she is now, not the size she was five years ago
Um, duh. Everyone of every age needs that.
2. A weekly income that covers the rent (or mortgage payment)
I wanted a pet dragon and a set of dishes that would magically clean themselves too. Earth to writers of this article: you’ve obviously never had to live on your own in a city where incomes were low and rents were high.
3. An orgasm
Whether or not I had one of those by the time I was thirty falls under “no one’s goddamn business,” but it’s nice to know a woman isn’t a woman unless she’s HAD SEX. This is just the contemporary version of “if you aren’t married by the time you’re twenty you’re a dried-up old maid.”
4. Always enough toilet paper
So far that’s the only one I agree with, but that’s kind of another “duh.”
5. A hair stylist she trusts
To what? Not steal her wallet while she’s under the dryer? I have never liked fussing with my hair and I hate even worse having other people fuss over it, so I don’t go to salons and if I need my hair cut I go to some bargain place like Supercuts where I can have it done and get out. I don’t care who the hairdressers are.
6. A favorite song, porn site, image, movie or fantasy that always gets her in the mood
Again with the sex, not to mention the assumption that it’s okay to tell perfect strangers what sort of sex they should be having.
7. Health insurance
Yeah, god forbid we aren’t totally obsessed with being taken care of by some Nanny Organization by the time we are thirty. I based my past job decisions on “OMG I can’t be without health insurance!” because I live in a country of hypochondriacs. I hardly ever used it, so all that money I had taken from my paychecks was pretty much wasted. But I stayed in jobs that bored me and didn’t pay enough because I bought the propaganda that to be without health insurance for so much as a day would cause disaster to fall on my head. I have now been without health insurance for about two years and my health is the same as ever.
8. A signature drink
Yeah that’s really important—what? How stupid.
9. A healthy relationship with her parents
Gee what if her parents are dead or crazy or evil through no fault of her own? What if her only way of dealing with them is to stay away? I really resent the Therapismatics for making people feel not only that they are doing something bad if they are at all sad or angry about something, but for not fixing everyone around them too. Patronizing stuff like this doesn’t help.
10. Bras in the correct size
Um… yeah. Duh.
11. Enough alcohol in her home to offer drop-by guests a cocktail
So they can drive home drunk? Note to article writer: not all of us live in New York City. (Also—what, people who don’t drink should keep booze around anyway? How about alcoholics—should they keep booze in the house for “guests”? Not everyone belongs to a trendy little clique that spends all their time “dropping in” and drinking cocktails.)
12. An emergency hangover remedy
It’s called “not drinking so much you get hangovers.” By the time you are thirty you should have figured that out.
13. A voter registration card
Okay, there’s one more I agree with that isn’t a “duh.”
14. A wardrobe that includes the perfectly flattering little black dress, a great pair of heels, jeans that make her ass look great, and a cute hat that hides a bad hair day
Oh for Chrissakes.
15. A yearly appointment with her gynecologist
Actually do women really have to go every year when they are still in their twenties? Then again, if they are sleeping around like the writer of this article apparently thinks women that age should be…
16. The name of reliable movers to give her friends when they ask for help relocating
Is that a “nice” (that is, mean) way of saying “tell your friends to stuff it you aren’t going to help them move”?
17. The gumption to ask a man out
Because a women isn’t anything without a man!
18. A group of girlfriends who get it
What, the clap?
19. A set of tools (and the ability to use them ... even if it’s just to hang a piece of art)
Okay, there’s one more thing I agree with.
20. A balanced checkbook
Mine always said “zero.” It was so easy to balance.
21. No interest in men who just aren’t that into her
She’ll find loads of them when she attempts item 17.
22. A vacation to look forward to at least once a year
I always looked forward to my vacations—it was the week I got away from the job I didn’t like and didn’t pay me enough but I kept because I was afraid of losing the health insurance I hardly ever used.*
23. A good bulls**t detector
Okay, one more I agree with, but… things like this list will set off that alarm.
24. The courage to stand up for herself and her beliefs
Even if they are stupid and based on ignorance.
25. A favorite sex position
Again with the sex. How about writers of cute “for the girls” columns stay out of strange womens’ coochies?
26. A set of hand towels so guests don’t have dry their hands on her bath towel (gross!)
The “guests” that dropped by and demanded booze shouldn’t be picky about what they have to wipe their hands on. (Though I actually agree with this; I just had to snark.)
27. Enough self-love to avoid and break off unhealthy friendships and relationships
The ones that self-love got her into the first place. (It’s not “self-love” that helps a person break off an unhealthy relationship, but the realization that you aren’t, in fact, the star of your own movie and that you can’t rewrite other peoples’ characters to suit you.)
28. A commitment to exercise
Exercise your opinion vigorously!
29. A retirement fund
Keep it in a sock under your bed before Obamaco takes it to fund the New York Times bailout.
30. A great vibrator
Can I accuse an internet article of virtual sexual harrassment? I mean seriously.
*Full disclosure: the health insurance plan I did have back in the mid-Nineties came in handy when I had to go to the hospital for a kidney stone. But—they would have had to treat me anyway, and would have worked with me on paying off the bill, which might actually have been less than they charged the insurance company. I can tell you that my attitude towards going to the doctor is unchanged whether I have insurance or not: not until the last minute when I am feeling like I’m about to die. I’ve known people who loved going to the doctor and getting examinated up the yin-yang and having blood drawn and all that. I am not one of those people.
(Via Althouse.)
Update: a lot of people on Althouse’s site have mentioned the absence of a couple of things most women should get before they are thirty, not after: husband and kids. Why before? Well, a younger woman has more husband options and—how can I put this delicately oh why bother—won’t be considered “used up” (especially the sort of women this article writer seems to be fond of), and if you have kids while you’re young you won’t have sullen teenagers in the house when you’re nearing retirement age. I admit I missed this because I’ve never wanted either, but most women aren’t weirdos like me: they want to get married and have kids. It’s interesting that they aren’t even on the list—as if they’re such an optional option for today’s woman that they don’t even warrant a mention.
OMG! Where do I start? I agree with you on almost everything so I don’t really have anything to add but I must say that I literally laughed out loud at #23. That should be number one. You need a good bulls**t detector before you read this list.
Posted by Lynn on 10/28 at 06:28 PMI wonder what a list for guys would consist of? Beer, probably.
Posted by (JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 10/28 at 08:43 PMFollowed by sports, and then more beer.
Posted by CGHill on 10/28 at 10:32 PMChicken wings, too.
Washed down with beer.
Posted by The House Of David on 10/28 at 10:47 PMWhat a crappy list. It’s by and for urbanite, “Sex and the City” type women. The rest of us are failures as women, I guess.
Posted by Susan B. on 10/28 at 10:57 PMI grew up in VERY small towns in Flyover Country. Most of the useless crap on this list is even more useless crap in that world.
Besides, when I was 30 - and before - having time to make up a list like this was so far from Reality as to be laughable.
If this kind of list is a measure of my success as a woman, I will gladly and PROUDLY wear their label of failure.
Posted by kc on 10/29 at 08:31 AM
Next entry: Many things about this are not good
Previous entry: Insert "Hot For Teacher" Joke Here