Too Much To Dream

The perfect man

...would not do any of the things in this list. Not to me, unless he wanted to be the perfect male corpse. Here are my responses to the fourteen points (there were supposed to be more, but the person whose site the list came from was only able to make it to number fourteen):

1. Know how to make you smile when you are down!

Leave me alone. That makes me smile.

2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.

The hell? Don't freaking sniff me, you weirdo.

3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.

No one does this. No one. Don't even bother dreaming of it.

4. Give you the remote control during the game.

"Oh good, the game's on! That means I won't have him bugging me" (like, wanting to smell my hair and stuff) "for at least two hours."

5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.

Do this if you want me to jump ten feet in the air and then kill you on the way down for scaring the crap out of me.

6. Play with your hair.

The hell--? Get your hands out of my hair, bitch! Unless you like cat saliva all over your hand. My cat likes to sit behind me on the back of the futon and lick my head.

7. His hands always find yours.

I am usually writing or typing or doing something like that. So if he finds my hand and messes up what I am doing he's going to pull back a nub.

8. Be cute when he really wants something.

Unless he looks like this, the cute shit isn't going to get much of a response from me. As a matter of fact, looking like this won't get Mr. Cute what he wants. (It may get me what I want, but that's another matter altogether.)

9. Offer you plenty of massages.

Show me the guy who will be satisfied with merely giving you "plenty of massages," and I will show you your paid masseur.

10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.

I don't dance. I hate to dance. I watched Footloose and secretly sympathized with the dance-hating preacher.

11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.

What. The. Hell. This is so psychotic. And they say women never abuse men.

12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.

I would have liked to have seen the look on my then-boyfriend's face if I had told him to leave one hour after driving all the way down to Miami from Orlando to see me.

13. Stare at you.

What?!?!? Whoever put this list together is some kind of major freak.

14. Call for no reason.

I hate that. I hate talking on the phone anyway. I hate getting "calls for no reason" even more. Anyway, how flattering is it to get a phone call from your significant other and to be told, when you ask why he called, "Oh, no reason."

So anyway. I guess I am not "romantic," or whatever the originator of this list (it was one of those email things) is trying to be. Yay me.

Posted by Andrea Harris at June 23, 2003 09:23 PM