January 22, 2003

Stupid poem alert

Ooh, goody, goody -- it's time for another bad poetry contest! And guess what: it's another British man of letters who is the culprit! None other than Harold "America Ignores My Plays So They Suck" Pinter. What has happened to the island which produced Shakespeare, Donne, Kipling, and Tennyson? Well, let's see:

Here they go again,
The Yanks in their armoured parade
Chanting their ballads of joy
As they gallop across the big world
Praising America's God.
The gutters are clogged with the dead
The ones who couldn't join in
The others refusing to sing
The ones who are losing their voice
The ones who've forgotten the tune.

The riders have whips which cut.
Your head rolls onto the sand
Your head is a pool in the dirt
Your head is a stain in the dust
Your eyes have gone out and your nose
Sniffs only the pong of the dead
And all the dead air is alive
With the smell of America's God.

Harold Pinter, January 2003

"The pong of the dead? WTF?

Okay, boys and girls, it's my turn to call for a Bad Poetry Contest. Send your submissions to me, put 'em in the comments, or post 'em on your own blog and send me the URL! Now to work: "The Kong of the dead...", "The Pac-man of the dead...", "The Super Mario Brothers of the dead..."

(Via Damian Penny, who got it from Andrew Sullivan.)

Posted by Andrea Harris at January 22, 2003 09:48 AM
Comments

I would say that it's a sin ter
Try to write like Harold Pinter,
His poems neither scan nor rhyme:
What a f**king waste of time!

:-)

Bonus cartoon: VRWC Coverup Exposed!

Posted by: BarCodeKing at January 22, 2003 at 10:13 AM

Andrea, seriously, this is so bad, it gives a satirist nothing to work with.

Maybe it's not "pong." Maybe he misspelled another word, like "bung."

Posted by: Steve H. at January 22, 2003 at 10:38 AM

Or "dung."

Posted by: Steve H. at January 22, 2003 at 10:38 AM

How 'bout a bad poem based on what a teacher once infomred me is the greatest bad poem of literature? The Song of Hiawatha

By the Tigris and Euphrates
On the vast Iraqi Oilfields
Stood the palace of Saddam
Big moustached, harmless Saddam.
Dark behind him rose Imperialists
Rose the boyish emperor
Rose the oil-lust of the cap'tlist
Gleeming like the devil's golf balls
Beaten was the brave dissent
Beaten were the drums of war.
There the human shields assembled
Fighting back hegemony
Read they poet's newest rantings
Knew they it was blood for oil
Chanting slogans ever clever
Rhyming hey hey and ho ho.

That's all I could stand to do.

Posted by: Juan Gato at January 22, 2003 at 10:38 AM

Rock on! I knew you guys would come through. Gotta do school stuff, but I'll be back later today!

Posted by: Andrea Harris at January 22, 2003 at 10:40 AM

I forgot all about the devil's golf balls.

Posted by: Steve H. at January 22, 2003 at 10:48 AM

Mine's here.

What a maroon.

Posted by: *** Dave at January 22, 2003 at 10:48 AM

as a sometimes-masochist, i must take exception to his references to "whips that cut."

NOT ALL WHIPS CUT.

panderer.

furthmore, i understood it was in the nature of gutters to clog. i've been in one a long time and never noticed otherwise.

Posted by: chris at January 22, 2003 at 11:00 AM

"Pong" is a British expression for "stink." It can also be used as a verb, as in, "this poem pongs something terrible."

Posted by: A. at January 22, 2003 at 11:05 AM

Or, he might have meant "bong", as in he was sucking on one when he composed his latest pile of steaming excrement.

Posted by: sharkman at January 22, 2003 at 11:49 AM

From now on, ALL deliberately bad poetry must contain a reference to the Devil's gleaming golf balls.

Posted by: David Jaroslav at January 22, 2003 at 12:33 PM

Is that anything like the "nintendo of the damned?"

Posted by: Dave at January 22, 2003 at 12:46 PM

Hey Harold-

The last time the "Yanks in their armoured parade" showed up it was to save your sorry ass from the Germans.

Do you regret the fact that we did? I'm starting to!

Posted by: ralph phelan at January 22, 2003 at 12:47 PM

Please forgive me for this. I tried to take his exact rhythm (for the most part) and turned it into an ode to last weekend's protesters:

Here they go again,
The skanks in their violent protest
Chanting their ballads of peace
As they gallop across the D.C. mall
Praising Amerikkka’s enemies.
The streets are clogged with the youth
The ones who always join in
The others prodding Saddam
The ones who are losing their clothes
The ones who've forgotten to shave
The dissenters have bricks which smash
Your mailbox rolls onto the street
Your litter is a pool of dirt
Your chants are a stain in air
Your fashion has gone out and your nose
Sniffs only the stench of the hippie
And all the deadheads are alive
With the smell of patchouli and pot

Posted by: michele at January 22, 2003 at 01:11 PM

Here's mine -

Here he goes again,
The Crank with his mindless dreck
Spewing his knee-jerk crap
Getting published across the big world
Shilling for Stalinists.
The readers are all filled with dread
The ones who ask how this gets published
The others refusing to read
The ones who think he's lost his mind
The ones who wish that he'd drop dead

The Pinter writes words which suck
Your metaphors make no sense
Your metaphors self-contradict
Your metaphors--well, they're not
Your talent's gone out and your brain
Spits out non-words like "pong"
And all the blogs are alive
With the smell of a has-been's career.

Posted by: Tracey at January 22, 2003 at 01:13 PM

Poets’ contempt so deep in winter
Dipstick Brits like Harold Pinter
Obsessed so sad in thoughts ‘bout gods
Drunk on self those worthless sods
Who excel in self-promotion
Guardian-friend yon Andrew Motion
Wallows in versing bitterly dreary,
Stewed in isms, spite, Bakiri
Keen on latest PC fashion
Gov’ment pay checks he’s a’cashin’.
Paulin spewing relentless bile
In verse so bad it makes you smile,
Heave, groan, stagger, make haste to flee
Those verbal missiles pong satanically
Words, projectiles, no matter so small
Take care, beware the geaming golf balls
In hands of those who spends not one dime
On such as remotely resembles a rhyme
All, as well, to the last-least man
Producing nada that I can scan.

And, in the end it’s all a big bore,
Twaddle, crap, each poet a whore
Bought, paid for by dim muckety-mucks
Too addled to notice that their poetry sucks!

Suffering from thematic drift as well as a certain lack of cohesion, the latter due to the addition of "gleaming golf balls.” Hey, it’s poetry - I did it my way!

Posted by: ellie at January 22, 2003 at 01:15 PM

Pinter's pong reference is quite obviously an allusion to the futility of national missile defense. Just as he spent many nights failing to intercept the ball with his electronic paddle, so too will America fail with its foolish national missile defense shield. Hence, the "pong of the dead."

P.S. I've no clue what this moral munchkin is on about. Doesn't he have a dictator somewhere to be defending?

Posted by: Matthew at January 22, 2003 at 01:16 PM

Dave,

Look back in the archives for a post that starts by talking about how someone at the SF's writing sucks the chrome of the fender of a city bus. The comments section eventually gets to a discussion of the Devil's gleaming golf balls.

As for "the X of the Damned," all I remember is that the Jury of the Damned that tried Homer Simpson for selling his soul for a donut contained, among other fiendish evils, the entire starting lineup of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers. Pretty impressive being damned before you even die.

Posted by: David Jaroslav at January 22, 2003 at 02:09 PM

The Yanks in their armoured parade
And never able to establish a blame
Reality is a staircase leading nowhere.
I'm too drunk to know my own name

The gutters are clogged with the dead
Because gods have no pity on those borne when history began!
couldn't do nothing, except with his head
I sleigh you sled I slay you're dead

The riders have whips which cut
Finish the day with bagels and lox
Where no one will laugh at my big gut
you must help me with my pulsating box

How desolate and bereft of hope, the destiny of Man.
We're all out of our heads
Spam, Spam you come in that can
sniffs only the canned meat of the dead

*****
Incoherence AND a Spam reference! I'm on a roll.

Posted by: Matt at January 22, 2003 at 02:44 PM

As Edward Teller has pointed out, a missile defense shield that works very badly is STILL well worth the money.

It only takes one missile to kill several million people. Stopping a missile aimed at New York is a great idea, even if the ones headed for L.A. and Chicago arrive on schedule.

Posted by: Steve H. at January 22, 2003 at 03:02 PM

The only poetic form fit to reply to such crap: Haiku.

Washed up has been hack
Naught to do but trash U. S.
man, my life sure sucks

Here they go again,
The Yanks in armoured parade
god damn I'm jealous

gutters clogged with dead?
what the hell? can't figure how
they got on my roof

head rolls onto sand
head lolls sideways, snoring sound
drool down Pinter's chin

pong of the dead? huh?
crap poet refers us to
old video game?

America's God
must have a powerful scent
sweet smell of success

Posted by: RC at January 22, 2003 at 03:25 PM

I haven't written poetry in awhile - I hope this has some kind of rhythm -

Here they go again
old farts in stained cardigans
smoking bitter cigarettes
railing against the world
that has forgotten them.
Bookstores cluttered with the relics
Of past glories
Mailer, Pinter and Vidal
New York was once their apple,
Now teeth that once were strong
Are too yellow, weak to bite it

The critics have words that cut
They leave your latest work
On the remainder table
Better to chatter about politics
Strike back at the place that has
Forsaken you – the pretty reporter,
Listens to your golden words
Your rhumey eyes water
The dead air is alive
Bitter cigarettes and perfume.

Posted by: mary at January 22, 2003 at 04:05 PM

Here we go again,
America sucks blah blah blah
All America's fault blah blah
Evil capitalists blah blah blah
Blah blah blah all about oil
The Bush junta blah blah blah blah
Stupid cowboys blah blah
All about oil blah blah blah
Blah blah unsophisticated rednecks
Blah blah ALL ABOUT OIL!

Blah blah America is evil blah blah blah
5 bazillion dead Iraqi babies blah blah
Warmonger blah blah chickenhawk
Blah blah Chomsky says that blah blah
Americans are the real terrorists blah blah
Blah blah blah pong of the dead
Blah blah did I mention it's all about oil?
America bad! Bad! BADBADBADBADBLAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Brendan at January 22, 2003 at 05:10 PM

I gotta agree with RC:

scores aghast
I spend life
writing poetry

Posted by: Jeff at January 22, 2003 at 05:24 PM

OK, I did this briefly, and tried to roughly follow the original, so it’s not particularly good. Which is fortunate, since this is a “Bad Poetry Contest” and this certainly fits. Here goes:

Here they go again,
The Reds in their fatuous charade
Chanting their dirges of doom
As they posture on the Washington Mall
Praising America's foes.
Their utterances are clogged with equivocation
They are the ones who won't join in
They are the ones who refuse to see
Though they surely haven’t lost their voice
They’ve surely forgotten the past.
The leaders have claims which deceive.
Your head goes where they pound sand
Your head is a pool of their lies
Your head is drained of all sense
Your eyes will go out and your nose
Sniffs only the bong of the braindead
And all the fetid air is alive
With the sham of an altruistic aim.

Posted by: Tom at January 22, 2003 at 05:49 PM

Steve, hehe, I was cracking a joke at Pinter's expense. NMD is a good idea.

Posted by: Matthew at January 22, 2003 at 06:11 PM

Damn! Great stuff.

Brendan's made me laugh the hardest, though. And it was probably the easiest to crank out; no pun intended.

Posted by: David Perron at January 22, 2003 at 08:16 PM

This poem was beneath parody in its present form. As I was trying to rewrite it, I discovered that its parody is really best expressed to the tune of the old "Monkees" TV show theme song. If you sing along with me:


DEDICATED TO THE FRENCH:

Here we come,
Rolling down the street,
We get the funniest looks from
All the French we meet.

Hey, Hey, we're the Yankees!
Liberals say they don't want our tanks,
But we're too busy saving
Your ass, and you don't say, "Thanks."

We go wherever we're needed,
Do what we have to do,
We don't have time for your whining,
Your cheese needs saving, too.

We're just trying to be friendly,
Sorry that you don't like the smell,
But we're the ones who get dirty
Keeping you away from hell.

Hey, Hey, we're the Yankees,
You always know where we'll be found,
While you're ready to surrender,
We'll already have mowed them down.

Posted by: Loretta at January 22, 2003 at 09:24 PM

I hate to sully my mighty limerick blade with the likes o’ this bleedin’ cry-baby bastard, but into the breach I must, in the name of all warrior poets:

In France lives a Harold named Pinter
Who’s art surely poops from his sphincter
Pinch a play or a poem, yet nobody knows ‘em
He’s naught but a shitty dissenter.

Zeb Trout
The Warrior Bard

Posted by: Zeb Trout at January 22, 2003 at 11:05 PM

Golf ball wizard
Sucking on a bong
Call him Harold Pinter
What a f***ing pong!

Posted by: Anon at January 22, 2003 at 11:14 PM

You guys rock. I think these all deserve their own page. What do you say?

Posted by: Andrea Harris at January 23, 2003 at 01:00 AM

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Harold Pinter can't rhyme
And is poems suck, too.

Posted by: James Hudnall at January 23, 2003 at 01:16 AM

Sure. So that you don't have to actually follow the link to mine:

Here they go again,
The Euroliterati in their sackcloth parade
Chanting their ballads of doom
As they bleat across the big world
Damning whatever America’s doing at the moment.

The gutters are clogged with the dead from the regimes they support:
The Bosnians in Yugoslavia
The Kurds in Iraq
The women in Afghanistan
The dissenters in Cuba
The students in China
The citizens of North Korea
The prisoners in the gulags
The ones who worked in the wrong office buildings on the wrong day in New York.

The has-been poets use words to try and cut.
Their heads are full of sand
Their ideas a pile of dirt
Their idols stained and dusty
Their bright lights have gone out and your nose
Sniffs only the pong of their dead theories
And all the dead air is alive
With the smell of their impotent fury.

Posted by: *** Dave at January 23, 2003 at 09:46 AM

Harold Pinter fell upon a bad mood
made most intense by his bad prose
and so he set out to write a bad poem
about Amerika and its evil ways
whereupon he made a typo and wrote "pong"
when what he meant to say
was that he yearns
to smoke a bong
with the dead.
right on right on.

Posted by: jeneane sessum at January 23, 2003 at 09:52 AM

My modest attempt:
Daggers and Arsenic

Posted by: Niccolo Machiavelli at January 23, 2003 at 11:05 AM

you do realise that the word 'Pong' is a British word?
You do realise that Your 'President' avoided going to war a few years back with some phoney excuse?
You do realise that your 'President' took over through money, and thus your entire country is run by dictatorship?
Ho hum, I guess some people will never learn.

Posted by: Sir Sand Goblin at January 23, 2003 at 09:50 PM

Yes - 'Pong' was a valid ENGLISH word (a smell) before it was made an AMERICAN trademark :)

and if you damn yanks have so much respect for the english language why do you bastardise is so much with misspellings like 'color'?

just because you folks are big doesn't make you right. your presedent is a backwards-ass puppet of his backwards-ass father. the only shame us brits have to live with is we have a prime ministr who listens to the gun-toting prick.

(I know i used a lot of americanisms there - but at least i wasn't all judgemental saying they weren't valid words)

Posted by: sack at January 23, 2003 at 09:56 PM

You do realise that your very comments prove just how dim-witted the majority of Americans are.
Or perhaps I should not say the majority, given that the majority did not vote for Bush.
Anyway, basically, pong is a british word for 'smell' If you bothered to take your head out of your arse to learn things rather than acting on instincts, your country might not be hated by everyone except yourselves.

Posted by: James at January 23, 2003 at 10:02 PM

they seek him here
they seek him there
that damned elusive
sha'adow

Posted by: king dong at January 23, 2003 at 10:03 PM

Lungs like monkeys
crazed and happy, yet moist
too much air pouring out.
making noise.
you know the kind.
the kind that shouldn't be heard.

Posted by: Reg Teh Veg at January 23, 2003 at 10:03 PM

Pinter is a Genius
America
and all it's contents
Have less culture
intelligence
and logic
than Pinter does
in his left testicle.

Posted by: joingle at January 23, 2003 at 10:08 PM

Look, there's no point in trying to defend Pinter to the Americans - they will like him when they are good and ready, at which point he will be praised and offered weapons of mass distruction for use against anyone he pleases. Pinter will then be ignored until the wind changes and he will then be labelled as an evil poet who must be overthrown....

Posted by: Bob at January 23, 2003 at 10:12 PM

lady
in red
is
dancing
with me
cheek
to cheek

Posted by: king dong at January 23, 2003 at 10:12 PM

stick around;
I'll be back...
Let off some steam.
Hasta la vista, baby
Consider this a divorce.

Posted by: Arnie at January 23, 2003 at 10:15 PM

i am an american
hello
all i can do
is tell you this
for i am dumbed by the american
propaganda

Posted by: gonads at January 23, 2003 at 10:16 PM

your
going home
in a saint
john's ambulance
oooh oooh ooh ooh
oooh
oh oh oh oooh ooh oooh

Posted by: king dong at January 23, 2003 at 10:19 PM

ooh-ahh
he-hoo-hu-hu
eh-uh
eh-uh
wobblang.

Posted by: Rolf Harris at January 23, 2003 at 10:19 PM

'I am a Donut'

and other famous quotes from your leaders.

Posted by: Sir Sand Goblinea at January 23, 2003 at 10:21 PM

Oh how much I wish to be
a citizen in the land of the free
the blood of the natives spilt
because they disagreed with me

Fear full of the outside threat
that our own ancestors used to be
so we kill those who difer from ourselves
to preserve our supposed liberty

Posted by: sack at January 23, 2003 at 10:21 PM

nice to see you poets are just about at the level of the hallmark card verse

Posted by: king dong at January 23, 2003 at 10:23 PM

look left,
look right,
look left again,
cross, still looking.

A guide to life, courtesy of Out There.

Posted by: Sir Sand Goblin at January 23, 2003 at 10:23 PM

I once held a morsel of silence
quite close to my left ear.
In time I heard the infinite scream
the Americans were drawing near.
The little scrap of quiet,
it's existence was at an end.
For the naughty mouths killed him off
with endless 'muthafuckamuthafucka' plebage.

Posted by: Gerty Nonads at January 23, 2003 at 10:25 PM

ho ho ho
green giant

Posted by: king dong at January 23, 2003 at 10:26 PM

Good god, it's the Pinhead Army. "Sir Sand Goblin" (buuurrrppp), "sack" (as in nutsack? which you wish held a little more than at present?), "James" from B3ta.com (ooh, h4X0r lIn60 LOLOLOLOLZ), "king dong" (OH! SO! FUNNYLOLOLOLPORN), "gonads" (which you have both sets of, eh, mate?): you do know that you are all morons, right? Just checking.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at January 23, 2003 at 10:27 PM

hmmm, making little sense you are
about poetry you are talking
understanding you are lacking
your butts I shall kick.
hmmm yes

Posted by: Yoda at January 23, 2003 at 10:27 PM

BOOM BOOM!

Posted by: Basil Brush at January 23, 2003 at 10:28 PM

WAR!
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothin' (Say it again...)

Posted by: sherz at January 23, 2003 at 10:29 PM

my cell!
my precious brain cell!
lost in the land of the internet

Posted by: Britney at January 23, 2003 at 10:30 PM

Bang bang!

Posted by: President Bush at January 23, 2003 at 10:31 PM

OIL
what is it good for?

Posted by: oil at January 23, 2003 at 10:32 PM

me are all morons, yes.
WHAT DOES THAT MAKE AMERICA?!

Posted by: urm at January 23, 2003 at 10:34 PM

I will sell you cheese.
And then, some years later I will call you nasty names forowning cheese.
Then I will go to war with you and steal all your resources.
And get my cheese back to sell to someone else.
I am a cheesemonger.

Posted by: cheesemonger at January 23, 2003 at 10:36 PM

THE REPUBLICANS ARE GREAT, THEY SUCK ME OFF DAILY.

Posted by: YARBLES at January 23, 2003 at 10:36 PM

God save our gracious Queen
Long live our noble Queen
God save the Queen!
Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us,
God save the Queen!

Thy choicest gifts in store
On her be pleased to pour,
Long may she reign:
May she defend our laws,
And ever give us cause
To sing with heart and voice
God save the Queen!

Nor on this land alone,
But be God's mercies known
From shore to shore:
Lord, make the nations see
That men should brothers be,
And form one family
The wide world o'er

don't you all forget that up untill a few hundred years ag, about 90% of all your population was British, and your seat of parliament was in London. so there. goodnight.

Posted by: king dong at January 23, 2003 at 10:36 PM

um.. i was making my feelings known through the use of poetry.

this is a poetry forum, right?

and isn't freedom of speech a constitutionally protected right? :)

Posted by: sack at January 23, 2003 at 10:37 PM

Congratulations! You are all now banned, and will have to go somewhere else to circle jerk. I've got all your names, numbers, blood types, and IP addresses, and your parents' names too, so that the Army of the Empire of America will be able to round you up and throw you in the torture chambers right away. Oops -- did I give away the Secret Plan? Oh well, it's not like you Limey weaklings can do anything about it.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at January 23, 2003 at 10:41 PM

we wub u weally :D

Posted by: happy at January 23, 2003 at 10:43 PM

Come now ladies, gentlemen and Americans, you can't seriously be suggesting that you dislike a poem for its use of a slang word? The next time I find some literature using such language as "sidewalk", "garbage" or "reinstitutionalisation" I shall follow your fine example and immediately denigrate it for the obvious rubbish that it is.

You are, of course, entitled to your opinion on any work of literature, but to cast aspersions based on your own linguistic inadequacies is really quite laughable :)

--

WAR!
What is it good for?
Well, it keeps the population down, keeps the electronics industry going with all those guidance systems (doesn't seem to stop the dozy sods engaging in the woefully misnamed "friendly fire", though, does it?) and also keeps hundreds of news reporters worldwide firmly ensconced in their overpaid jobs. Dunno why everyone's moaning, really - it's not as if it's innocent AMERICANS who're going to be dying out there..

Posted by: Cartroo at January 23, 2003 at 10:46 PM

Interesting that our "philologist" doesn't appear to know that 'color' is the ORIGINAL spelling, and that 'colour' is the bastardiZation, introduced by pretentious gits who wanted the spelling to look more French.

Professor T. would never have made that mistake, one can be sure.

Posted by: Niccolo Machiavelli at January 23, 2003 at 10:47 PM

...---...

Posted by: ...---... at January 23, 2003 at 10:49 PM

Cartroo is a pretentious little shit, but at least he has something to say. It's something boring and stupid, but at least it's something.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at January 23, 2003 at 10:51 PM

Assorted Eurotrash:

I'd like to send you a nice picture; please respond with your mommies' and/or daddies' mailing addresses and I'll send you a nice poster.

Posted by: David Perron at January 23, 2003 at 10:56 PM

Another note for our British friends: 'pong' isn't "British" or "English" at all. It's Australian. So saith the OED, and so endeth your language lesson for this evening. Twits.

Posted by: Niccolo Machiavelli at January 23, 2003 at 10:57 PM

Heh heh. I love Despair.com.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at January 23, 2003 at 11:09 PM

Ahh, an intelligent, informed and well-constructed argument, Andrea - nice to see someone who doesn't just gleefully throw random insults around like so many do these days. Thanks for giving me a good old chuckle, though.. Boring and stupid I do appreciate hypocrisy in its purest form.

(To anticipate your reply, I think you probably want a phrase like "meta-hypocrisy")

As for being pretentious, you don't believe I communicate like this when I'm not replying to people who seem to raise lack of insight to an art form? Whatever you choose to believe, I'm happy to reinforce your belief in conformance to stereotypes - certainly (working on the assumption that most of the earlier posters here are on the other side of the Atlantic) I've seen nothing to disabuse me of mine, which is only a little alarming.

In any case, as entertaining as it would be to exchange meaningless vulgarities with you, I fear I have better things to do (watching paint dry would be a candidate, but sleep seems more attractive).

(As a parting point, I do hope you recognise these posts as the blatant flame-bait they are - I wouldn't normally feel the need to point it out, but given the audience...)

Posted by: Cartroo at January 23, 2003 at 11:13 PM

(OK, REALLY the final parting shot - on the subject of all the "tee hee hee, we're Americans and we can blow you up, aren't we clever" styley comments.. I must admit I AM quite scared of British casualties from American troops, given that we're on the same side - if we head into Iraq, tell your boys to practice their aim a bit first this time, eh?)

Posted by: Cartroo at January 23, 2003 at 11:17 PM

You know, Cartroo, when you grow up and look back on your teenage writings, the ones you thought were so amazingly insightful and really got right to the heart of the matter in a way that no mere adult had ever been able to do before you put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard), you realize instead that you wrote utter, derivative crap that sounded just like every other know-it-all teen's derivative crap, and you just about die with embarassment that trees died and men suffered just so you could take a shit all over the written word.

I just thought you might like to know what's ahead of you.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at January 23, 2003 at 11:27 PM

I'm so glad I checked back on the way to bed, I now feel enlightened - I think I'll move to Tibet and contemplate dolphins for a few years.

As happens with any discussion eventually, this has degenerated into "grumble grumble, I know I'm right, you're just silly so NUR" - in fact come to think of it, that's all it's been from the start, so it's probably pointless saying anything else, BUT... You seem to comment as if I should cower in terror at the thought of writing "derivative crap" - had I been writing my life's work, I might have been offended, but I'm quite happy to acknowledge that yes some random drivel I spent 20 seconds slapping into some random forum in a (vain?) attempt to persuade people they should perhaps examine things with at least a modicum of depth probably isn't the most original or insightful writing in the world. The sentences are too long, for one thing, and the language is far too poncey. Mind you, everything's relative.

But it appears you can't get over your obsession with being personally insulting (which I can understand, I find it rather tempting myself), so I don't harbour any hope that it's done any good at all. The REALLY funny thing, of course, was that I don't even really like Pinter myself - it's just annoying to see people miss all the VALID reasons for criticism!

Well, it's been an entertaining slagging match, Andrea - have a fun life! Oh, and you will be following your own advice and examining your own writings in however many years it might be, I hope? And please don't lose that argumentative spirit, it keeps life entertaining for everybody.

Good night!

Posted by: Cartroo at January 23, 2003 at 11:54 PM

What's taters, precious?

Posted by: Andrea Harris at January 24, 2003 at 12:39 AM

1. Matthew: oops.

2. Cavity-prone toad-in-the-hole-eating surrender monkeys: I know it hurts to see Europe getting more and more conservative, but get used to it, because this is just the tip of the iceberg.

You people make me long for the days when the King actually owned you and could keep you indoors at night.

Posted by: Steve H. at January 24, 2003 at 01:07 AM

I'm a little teapot short and stout!

[This post has been altered by the administrator. All subsequent posts from this person and others like it will be similarly altered.]

Posted by: Sir Sand Goblin at January 24, 2003 at 01:21 AM

Ah freedom of speech, that American ideal.

Posted by: OnLooker at January 24, 2003 at 07:54 AM

Ah freedom of speech, that American ideal.

Freedom of speech means that you can't be stopped from speaking, in on PUBLIC PROPERTY and/or at your OWN EXPENSE, by the GOVERNMENT.

It doesn't mean you're permitted to wanderer onto the private property of others and scrawl obscene grafitti on the wall, nor may you parade through someone else's bedroom with a bullhorn at 4:00 AM.

Goohead.

Here's a hint: http://www.blogger.com

You can have a blog of your very own in five minutes, and be perfectly free to spew all the moronic drivel you wish. No one will read it, of course, but you won't be stopped by anyone.

Posted by: Niccolo Machiavelli at January 24, 2003 at 08:57 AM

I'm a little teapot, short and stout!

[This comment has been altered by the administrator, and the blogroach who left the original has had their current IP banned.]

Posted by: incredible stupidity at January 24, 2003 at 01:06 PM

The american government is guilty of incredible stupidity and and seems rather happy to throw its filthy weapons at the first "baddie" it finds. Frankly I find it all rather pathetic.

Posted by: Monkey at January 24, 2003 at 01:07 PM

this argument has brought up many interesting points.

my favourate being that if the americans and british were put on a deserted island war would break out between the 2 sides in about 3 days.

lets face it, most british people hate americans, and i dont know if this is true or not, but i presume most americans hate the british. not much is going to change that.

i myself am brittish and i think im better than the majority of americans because a) im not fat b) i dont have your accent c) i dont have bush as my president d) my country isnt populated by convicts e) america floozied out of the WW's and only fought for a few months because theyre pussies and couldnt handle it untill britain etc had worn down the germans etc enough so they wouldnt be a threat to american troops... f) americans arent funny g) america is a great big corporate bastard monopolising wankstain state etc etc.

so like, why do you hate me?

this post wasnt ment to be offensive, im just wondering why british people are poop.

Posted by: ob at January 24, 2003 at 01:26 PM

Looks like the blogroaches are back, Andrea.

Cartoo seems to have come to the conclusion that since we all disagree with him, we must not have give the topic adequate depth of thought. How convenient; it's much more polite than kicking over the card table and declaring victory. Although the results are pretty much the same. In other words (let me spell it out for you) you get to claim that although we may not be totally stupid, our arguments are based on laughably shallow thinking and are therefore unworthy of consideration. Which of course frees you from having to address them. As I said, very convenient, being able to claim intellectual superiority without actually demonstrating it.

Posted by: David Perron at January 24, 2003 at 01:31 PM

I'm a little teapot, short and stout!

[This comment has been altered by the administrator, and the blogroach who left the original has had their current IP banned.]

Posted by: dalek at January 24, 2003 at 01:36 PM

I guess I need to spray more Raid. Time to do some censoring. I'll leave "ob's" spiel up because it demonstrates 1) the pathetic state that British education seems to have fallen to, and 2) the stupid oik answers his own question, "why british people are poop," with all of his or her preceding statements -- though I'd like to assert that British people as a whole are not "poop" -- just the sad specimens who have been led by some across-the-pond version of Slashdot to post their pitiful excuses for comments here.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at January 24, 2003 at 01:36 PM

I'm a little teapot, short and stout!

[This comment has been altered by the administrator, and the blogroach who left the original has had their current IP banned.]

Posted by: dalek at January 24, 2003 at 01:39 PM

People who suggest that "most Brits hate Americans" (let alone that most Americans hate the Brits) invariably remind me of the comment (attributed to New Yorker film critic Pauline Kael, I believe) that "I can't believe Regan beat Mondale...no one I know voted for him." It says far more about the speaker than about what they're describing.

Why exactly would war break out between Brits and Yanks on a desert island? We haven't actually come to blows since the War of 1812, and the last time it was even a slight possibility was over Venezuela in 1895.

Posted by: David Jaroslav at January 24, 2003 at 02:19 PM

Am I the only one who thinks citizens of the (fomer) British ("the Sun never sets on") empire talking about imperialism is kinda... funny?

"We captured half the world in seriously blood-thirsty battles, ruled it with an iron fist, were kicked out on our limey asses, can now barely hold on to a tiny island in a cold sea surrounded by herring, and NOW we'll tell you what to do?!"

Or, as the immortal Jonah Goldberg put it:
"From a historical perspective, European anti-Americanism is pretty hilarious. There is, after all, no criticism a haughty "European" could level at the United States which could not be returned tenfold at the authors of the Inquisition, the Hundred Years' War, the Holocaust, and the Council of Trent (why the Council of Trent? I don't know, it just seems to belong). Mass murder? Hah! Racism? Hah-hah! Religious intolerance? Bah-hah-hah! Class conflict? Bahhh-hahh-hahaha! Imperialism? Okay, dude. Snort, chortle — seriously — chortle, guffaw… Stop it, you're killing me."

Good night.

Posted by: angua at January 25, 2003 at 04:13 AM

Has it occured to anyone that people learn from their mistakes?
Did it also occur to americans that their current leaders are the very folk whosold iraq anthrax all those years back?

Have any of you read 1984, because I think yoit might do you some good, and give you some vague sense of morality.
Or something.
I don't know, perhaps Pinter is a fool for writing the word 'pong' in a poem, or perhaps you are just having a go at him because of his anti-war stance.
Maybe you should all spend time thinking about what is actually going on in the world, rather than listening to what people tell you.
Or maybe we should all just bomb everywhere and conclude with Mutually Assured Destruction.

Posted by: logic at January 27, 2003 at 01:10 PM

"Have any of you read 1984"

No, never heard of it. I'm too busy shooting Red Indians and lynching Negroes while forcing everyone in the world to eat Big Macs three times a day. Have we ever head of 1984, Christ on a stick. That has to be the stupidest question any troll has ever wasted bandwidth on. Hey, "logic," have you heard of your ass? (That's "arse" if you're British.) Can you find it with both hands? Do you need a flashlight? How about a map?

Arsehole.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at January 27, 2003 at 08:24 PM

Oh, good grief. I doubtless read 1984 before your parents went through puberty, and several times since then. I think you'll find out that Orwell's ideas are far less novel to those you ridicule, and far better understood by them as well.

Posted by: David Perron at January 28, 2003 at 02:58 PM

my friend wrote me this poem and i wanted to share it with the world:

tracy sits by the
bay. she likes to eat hay. and bath in oil of olay. too bad she's gay.

her name is kristi and she is obviously very talented. give her props people.

Posted by: skanky at January 29, 2003 at 02:35 PM

I'll email it to Howard Pinter.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at February 1, 2003 at 05:09 PM