January 11, 2003

Lord of the Rings, the Goldberg Variations

Here are more other-author parody versions of LOTR.

Update: there's more here (scroll down). Love the Samuel R. Delany one. (Note: this seems to be a copy of the Straightdope site, so linking to that one will probably bring up the same results; this link just loads faster.)


Ray Bradbury

In which Gandalf gains a new perspective on his heretofore unexamined mission:

It was a pleasure to burn.

It was a special pleasure to see Hobbits eaten, to see them blackened and changed. With the wooden staff in his fists, with this great python spitting its venomous pitch upon the Shire, the blood pounded in his head, and his hands were the hands of some amazing conductor playing all the symphonies of blazing and burning to bring down the tatters and charcoal ruins of history. With his pointed hat on his wizened head, and his eyes all orange flame with the thought of what came next, he mumbled a Word of Command and the Great Smials jumped up in a gorging fire that burned the evening sky red and yellow and black. He strode in a swarm of fireflies. He wanted above all, like the old joke, to shove a haunch of mutton on a spit in the furnace, while the flapping, ridiculous Hobbits died on the porch and lawn of the great Hobbit-hole. While the Hobbits went up in greasy, sparkling whirls that blew away on a wind turned dark with burning.

Gandalf grinned the fierce grin of all men singed and driven back by flame. Fools of Tooks! he thought with an inward chuckle, as the smell of burnt foot-hair filled his nostrils, as welcome as the smell of a fresh-baked apple pie cooling on the sill.

He knew that when he returned to Lothlórien, he might wink at himself, a minstrel man, burnt-corked, in the Mirror of Galadriel. Later, going to sleep, he would feel the fiery smile still gripped by his face muscles, in the dark. It never went away, that smile, it never ever went away, as long as he remembered.

Eowyn felt her heart flutter when she saw him. His raven hair flew in the breeze off the plain, and his piercing eyes caught her gaze as if by magic. He bore a kingly attitude; surely he was a prince. Her mind turned to forbidden things, things which would be forbidden to the King's niece, but surely allowed for a free shieldmaiden. She knew that she was made to love this ranger.
-Mark of the King, Danielle Steele
and, last but not least:
If it was written by Robert Jordan it would be 10 books long.
(Via Silflay Hraka.)

Posted by Andrea Harris at January 11, 2003 05:06 PM

The "Janet and John go to Mordor" was one of my favourites:

See Frodo run,
Run Frodo run.
See Sauron search,
Gollum and Frodo are playing,
Oops, Gollum dropped the ring in Mount Doom.
Now Sauron will have to find another ring.

Posted by: Tim Hall at January 11, 2003 at 05:13 PM

I tried to get up the strength to do versions by James Joyce, Joseph Conrad, or William Faulkner. Maybe someone else will.

Posted by: Sean Kirby at January 11, 2003 at 10:20 PM