Oh God. Why me. It’s my long day — 6 am to 6 pm, twelve hours, baby. I planned to sign off tonight without posting, just get some sleep. But then I did it. I clicked. I scrolled. And I read. This. I’m not going to “fisk” the whole list, because I’m exhausted. I’m just going to pick a few things that stood out, so to speak.
Disclaimer before I begin. I am not a liberal feminazi manhater who thinks males can only redeem their sins by taking up the the cooking and the cleaning &c. But I know something silly when I see it. And much of the list in this post is very, very silly.
Anyway, moving on:
Morgan K. Freeberg has a list of what makes a man a proper man, that’s spelled M. A. N. Man. I have issue with a few of these requirements:
1. He knows trigonometry.
I have one question: why? Then again, I had to have special tutoring to pass Trig, so maybe this is some male mystery that We Women aren’t equipped to understand. If you know the answer to this, and it’s not some secret of the drumming circle, feel free to explain in the comments.
4. He can type without looking at the keyboard.
I thought touch-typing was a womanly task, while man-typing was supposed to consist of the man using only his index fingers to slowly type up police reports and other such manly texts. If you’re Ernest Hemingway, and you know your way around a Royal Quiet Deluxe manual typewriter, you overcompensate for the reduction in maleness points by indulging in drinking, bullfighting, womanizing, and suicide (manly violent suicide by shotgun). Hey, I’m willing to accept that my stereotypes may be a tad out of date.
5. He eats meat. He drinks beer. He goes to Hooter’s.
What about all those other countries where Hooter’s hasn’t opened a franchise? Are there no men there? Seriously, I have nothing against Hooter’s, but I didn’t know that it had become some sort of an official marker of being a Man that you have to go there. That’s just weird.
11. With his wife/girlfriend/kids in the room, he uses the word “chicks.” No apologies offered.
I knew a guy who used the word “chicks” to refer to women all the time. He may not have been homosexual, but he was as effeminate as Liberace.
13. He knows how to cook. Something that involves mixing a sauce together and heating something up.
That’s not… cooking. That’s adding water to something and then microwaving it.
14. A woman who builds a household with this man, knows the household is different because it’s him.
I have absolutely no idea what this means. I’m going to guess it means he is distinctive enough that she remembers who he is and thus doesn’t go to the wrong house on the way back from the grocery store.
23. He is well read. He has read Atlas Shrugged from cover to cover. He can tell you the parts of it he agrees with, which is most of it.
I will tell you something right now: no one has read Atlas Shrugged cover to cover except Ayn Rand. The proof is that long-ass speech in the middle by John Gaunt, or whatever his name is, is in there. If her editor had actually read it, it would not be in there, because it is too fucking long and no one reads it. They skip over it to get to the good parts where Dagnique is fucking Fernando, or John of Galt, or to get to the S&M scenes with the factory owning guy. (Psst! I’d also like to let you in on a secret: you can be well-read without having read this gigantic tome or anything else of Rand’s. There are a lot of books out there. But if you must, Anthem is a much better work — also it’s way shorter. And I’ve heard that We The Living, about the horrors of living in Soviet Russia, is much, much better than her stuff about her fantasy Americans.)
25. He thinks the happy ending to “Stepford Wives” is a tragic ending, and that all the eerie parts of it are actually happy. He isn’t afraid to say so.
Um. Real men want to kill their wives and replace them with robots? That was the plot of the 70s movie; I haven’t seen the remake. Anyway. NO. Just no.
29. He possesses the ability to pave his own road, as well as to observe social protocols. He can survive if society is completely dismantled, but he can follow orders too. He is Patrick Swayze’s character in Steel Dawn.
I can’t even– He owns a cement mixer and whatever those things are that lays tarmac? He’s some movie character played by Patrick Swayze? Yeah well, you know what — MY ideal man has a TIME MACHINE. He doesn’t need no freakin’ ROAD.
Damn. I’m done.