It is supposed to be an elitist canard to say that whenever something — a work of art, a philosphy, a rock group, a cuisine, anything — becomes popular, that something is, if not destroyed, then distorted out of its original shape by the desires and convictions of the members of the general public that have latched onto it. Well call me an elitist, because I believe it. Take the philosophical, moral, and ethical set of beliefs known as “conservatism.” It has lately become fashionable for young and not so young people whose public behavior and stated beliefs are anything but to declare themselves “conservative,” and to immediately set about applying that label to any of their favorite pastimes and notions.

An almost comically silly example is found in this blog post on Libertas by one “Dirty Harry.” The subject is a sequal to the movie Clerks. I will state now that I have not seen the movie — the only Kevin Smith movie I have seen is Dogma. That was not a conservative film — being “anti-PC” is not necessarily conservative. Be that as it may, speaking of one of the characters of the film Clerks, Dirty Harry makes this astounding statement:

What he represents is total complete and unbridled freedom. What could be more conservative than that?

Where to begin. Well, for starters, “complete and unbridled freedom” is as far from being a conservative ideal as anything I can think of. But don’t believe me, believe Russell Kirk, who in The Conservative Mind describes conservatism as, in part, the belief that “Man must put a control upon his will and his appetite, for conservatives know man to be governed more by emotion than by reason.” Conservatives emphasize duty over desire, tradition over change, hierarchy over freewheeling democratic chaos. The conservatives Kirk writes about tie human liberty to freedom-controlling institutions like private property and law — laws based on ancient human religious and moral tradition that bases human law in God’s law. One would think this would leave little room for the claim that all one has to do to be considered “conservative” is to declare oneself a believer in “total complete unbridled freedom.” Nothing of human behavior that is “unbridled” can be conservative.

That brings me to some other misconceptions that wet-behind-the-ears NuConservatives have come up with. I will list them:

Capitalism is not in itself conservative. It can be conservative — as long as it is not laissez-faire, devil-take-the-hindmost, he-who-dies-with-the-most-toys-wins capitalism. Crony capitalism is also not conservative — it is merely corrupt capitalism.

Libertarianism is not conservative. Conservatives can share certain beliefs with libertarians, but in the end libertarians are either too anarchistic or selfish for most conservatives to bond with.

Ayn Rand was not a conservative. Not because she was an atheist (it is possible for atheists to respect the religion-based traditions of the ages as a good check on the behavior of the people even if they don’t believe in the basis for those traditions), or even because she was an extreme laissez-faire capitalist, but because she hated just about anything traditional and her version of individualism was so extreme that it puts her well beyond the conservative pale.

Rock music is not and can never be conservative. Don’t even try to argue with me, I’ll just whup you upside the head. Oh please, this is just pathetic — a pitiful illustration of no-longer-young people realizing that they are no longer cool, and desperately attempting to redefine the term “cool” to suit their current way of life. Look: just go ahead and listen to your old Motley Crüe tapes, and feel free to hang your framed Mudhoney poster on the wall of your living room. No one will take away your Republican Party card away just because you were young once, and you don’t have to pretend to be your grandfather to be considered a conservative. But don’t play left-style Jedi mind tricks with reality and try to change what is known to make yourself more perfect than you really are. Rock music is the epitome of rebellion, youth, doing things differently from the norm, rampant individuality, and breaking free from tradition — everything that is the opposite of conservatism. If it isn’t in the lyrics, then it’s in the very notes of the music, which even if they slavishly imitate the rockstar chords of previous decades are still making sounds that were meant to announce to the world “this ain’t your parents’ music.” Even if it is.