Knoif

Posted by andrea - December 30th, 2006

“That’s not how you mangle a quote. This is how you mangle a quote!”

Oh God, she came

Posted by andrea - December 28th, 2006

They can’t be serious. Surely these dreadful (awful, hideous, there I go writing like a pr0n-ographer!) passages weren’t written for any other reason but to win this silly prize. I can’t believe that someone sweated these out and really, really meant them to be considered serious, important prose:

Take oaf yir clathes then, let me see the goods, Mary rasped in lecherous cheer.

she could hear herself panting now, like a dog, but she didn’t care.

she trembled and clung on to him and mewled with pleasure in his ear.

Mewled?

she called out to God and convulsed with each slow stroke, her head thrown back and her eyelids aflutter

Aflutter?

He slid a hand beneath her arse

Thud, went the romance.

The first half-inch was cold, and moist only with brine, and he
encountered stiff resistance which, while not without appeal, made him
fear for a moment that he might do her an injury if he pressed on with
excess zeal.

Yeah, like that.

To say nothing of the dog. (No, you must read.)
(Via Kathy Shaidle, who is not drunk, but should be. If only it were Friday night, I’d be tying one on right now. Oh, not like that!)

Iambic Pentspameter

Posted by andrea - December 28th, 2006

Presented unreformatted and unedited is this bizarre poem — or something — I received in the latest batch of spam to inundate my email box:

And so I gaze avidly
and the Splendid Splinter. For a few dreamy dollars,
Upon from the right by far trees, that white place
whose soft bristles graze the top-racks.
The road, but not far enough ahead
II. Quest and Conquest
Never does any motion, sound, or light
References
Only a whiter absence to my mind,
Green lilac buds appear that won’t survive
To pick up even the quickening of wind
Wind, sleet. The branches sway,
Dismal, endless plain—

Rest easy, parents of Liberal Studies majors, it looks like your freakish children are employable after all.

The gift that keeps on giving

Posted by andrea - December 24th, 2006

I mean spam, of course — but not the barely digestible meat by-product, but the email phenomenon that apparently is somewhat similar to the pork derivative. I just got this in my email, and I defy anyone to decipher just what, if anything, this misbegotten spawn of the intertubes is trying to sell:

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Pendavis adult store, faq tour?
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Member thesyn, added april.
Require equipment planning wish?
Boobs boobtown, breast friends, bustin candy consenting! Useprivacy, copyright copy inc denise richards. Rightnice tags rightvideo cool spc moreless.
Whoo tootsi hot videotoo rani little sister marc.
Hes lame tbozfan got, mad. Nurse sadie shanna party.
Sexual impulse intruder shower sisters sin stacked. Next remove videos as watch them, manage save clear!
Fire reply thought ushers. Spc moreless url embed showing see rightfrom.
Live today showfrom loading new, do, how enter chance. Playboy brittany andrews xxx picsvideos, porn resources dream. Shots tinsel town ultimate firsts wayward! Cheery freshfaced, who having.
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Super will pack only take pre booked these. Of flash player the latest.
Showing see rightfrom ltlt now playing right, lopezfrom making.
Member thesyn added april rightnice tags rightvideo, cool!
Save clear rate, this video!
Favorites add groups share post flag comments, favorited? Consenting adults cream cruel.
Megabreast mellon man night nurses nurse.

I share this “WTF?” moment with you all as an early Christmas gift. Have a Merry comprehensible Christmas. Now if you will excuse me, I must go and remove the sodden, soppy “Iraq War awful of sadness sob sob sob” stupidity from my stereo. The female announcer of “All Things Considered” just wished a Muslim from Iraq a “Merry Christmas.” But we rightwing rethuglicans are the uncultured haters. Feh. My cats poop on NPR!

Touched by a Clam

Posted by andrea - December 22nd, 2006

Good God, look at these idiots. You know, my grandmother taught me that pointing was rude, and everyone knows that simply being touched in the fashion shown here (someone puts the points of their two fingers on someone else and just stands there) is one of the most annoying sensations on the planet. After about five seconds of “there’s a finger. Just. Touching me.” I would become psychotic. Obviously only someone who is already psychotic — such as a believer in “Scientology” (which was a con invented by a hack scifi writer to milk gullible rich people — the only thing about the “faith” that’s come true) — would find this sort of “healing” appealing. Freaks.

(Via a commenter on it comes in pints? All hail great Xenu!)

Yeah, let’s totally impress these people with our superior grasp of logic and fact

Posted by andrea - December 22nd, 2006

“The World Trade Center was destroyed by Sooper Sekret Space Lasers! The proof is all those ‘toasted’ cars that look like they were just towed neatly and parked along the FDR highway!”

“Uh… they were towed and parked along the FDR highway. To get them out of the way of rescue trucks…”

“No way! They couldn’t have been towed there! That was the space lasers that fried them!”

“Now wait a minute, you just said that the cars looked like they were towed there..”

“No way! There weren’t any tow trucks — that’s just what GeorgeBushitlerburton wants you to believe!”

“Look, if they weren’t towed there, then why did you say–”

“So you agree with us — the space lasers toasted those cars! And destroyed the World Trade Center! See, the proof is the suspicious way those cars are all lined up along the FDR — they were obviously towed there and parked and–”

“Jesus Christ…”

(I just love the last image of the wood stove, with the caption “These fires do not melt or significantly weaken steel.” Well yeah, I guess most skyscrapers are built to withstand the heat the average small wooden house stove puts out. Go figure!)

(Via Wuzzadem, which was via Ace of Spades HQ.)

I think I’ll go on a health kick

Posted by andrea - December 21st, 2006

And I’ll make sure to drink my new favorite juice every day.

(Via it comes in pints?)

Precipices are precipices

Posted by andrea - December 21st, 2006

More places in the world I can never, ever go. Pretty pictures, though.

(Via Ace of Spades HQ.)

Early Christmas Gift

Posted by andrea - December 19th, 2006

I don’t know why Tim Blair has chosen to expend his considerable smack-down talents on a has-been ex-punker turned “journalist” at the weekly rag The Niagara Falls Reporter (motto: “for people who think The Weekly World News is too conservative”), but I think it is probably because he loves his readers and wants to make us happy. Thanks, Tim! This is the best Christmas ever!

Latest on mall car crash

Posted by andrea - December 13th, 2006

The Sentinel is sticking to the “Kahin” spelling, and it looks like the guy is a case of driving while crazy. Four times Baker-acted, eh?

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